Good news on the homefront

Well, yesterday and the day before were quite interesting. Today, I came to the realization that the things I post could be scary to some people. This is not my intention at all, rather, my intention is to make aware of things that go on in my head and some of my coping skills. This is also a way for my to cope with things that are happening in my life. So I apologize to anyone who who has been scared or worried as I did not mean for this to happen. I am simply writing as a release and to let the world know that this stuff is real and it happens.
I have some good news. Things seem to be getting better. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow morning and I have a strong feeling that my medications will be altered or changed altogether. This is nerve-racking for me, but I think it will be a very good thing for me to pursue. Other good news: my mother is coming to stay with me this week. Her, my in-laws and myself cumilatively will be setting up a personal safety plan so I have somewhere to go to be safe when I start feeling anxious or majorly depressed to the point I no longer have a desire to live.
So things are looking better for me. I am hoping having a plan in place will help prevent me from getting out of control.

Hit a wall at 120 MPH

So I posted a week or so ago and things were going well, better than I imagined. Maybe I spoke too soon because I hit a brick wall really fast. This is actually the second time this month it's gone down hill. The last one was only three weeks ago and it wiped me out for a full week. This last was particularly awful. I spent part of last night crying on the floor, wishing I was no long alive, a half hour banging my head against the wall (the one I ran in to), telling my husband I'm not good enough. He wanted to take me to the hospital, but I wouldn't have it! I refuse to go the hospital. I already know what's wrong with me. I don't need a second opinion! Seriously. I am fortunate to have wonderful in-laws close by, which is where I spent a few hours crying.



The weirdest part about all of it is that the thing that set me off was so minute. I hit my arm in the doorway and literally flipped out. I was so angry at myself for being so clumsy which quickly turned in to "I'm not good enough" and "I hate myself" and "I have no reason to live".



My moods change so rapidly. That's one of the worst, well, probably the worst, part of being bipolar. I never seem to know who I'm going to be the next day. Another aspect that really has me worried is that my episodes are more frequent and worse as they come. I feel like I am back to square one every time I have an episode.



So what am I to do? I've switched medications several times in the last year, once to become more pregnancy-friendly, once when I went off them due to lack of insurance and starting all over when I got insurance again. I'm meeting with my doctor again to see the effects of my Wellbutrin. So far, not so good. Anybody have any suggestions?

Long time, no blog

So, it's been an extremely long time since I've blogged here. Things have been CRAZY! I went through a depression/suicidal slump. It knocked me out for a week. Luckily, I was able to visit my parents and get back on track. I started a new medication. The effects are wonderful! I feel so good. This med stabilizes my moods and it's working very well. I have been feeling great for two weeks and counting. Some tips for the week to make it great:

• Sing out loud and enjoy the wonders of music
• Take a walk and get some fresh air in your lungs
• Take a bike ride to release all your energy
• Take a nap to rejuvenate yourself
• Make time for your favorite TV show (sounds cheesy, but it works...for me anyway)
• Plant flowers or buy some house plants
• Try a new game

Have a great week!