Feeling much better

So by now I imagine most of my readers know that I have spent nearly a week in a behavioral health unit.  It was the best thing I've ever done for myself!  I feel so good!  I have learned so much about my mind and how to react and thinking patterns.  Over the course of days and/or weeks, I will be sharing these things I learned with you in a hope that you will benefit from my stay at the hospital as much as I did.  Until next time, thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers.

My mind hungers

My mind hungers for answers to questions that lie in the depths of my soul.  I do not know what is wrong.  I do know that there is something that needs to be fixed.  Pinpointing these things has been goal for quite some time, but to no avail.  I am afraid that my failure to pinpoint what is triggering such depression and anxiety is leading to realities I fear far worse.  Let me express those:

• Mental hospital mayhem - For those of you who know me and know me well, this has been a joke of mine for years.  I'm afraid this joke isn't so much a joke anymore.  Not only is being admitted a possibility, it's likely to happen.  But my fears don't end there.  Where will I go?  Am I crazy enough to be admitted?  In the past, I haven't been.  What makes it so different now?  What will they do to make things better once I'm there?  What will happen to me when I leave?  I could go on and on.
• Living a lie - I could continue living on my lie of a life as I have.  But it leaves my family, especially my wonderful husband at such a disadvantage.  I never know when things will get bad again.  I can't keep doing this to him and think he will want to stay with me.  I would rather live alone in a deep, dark hole than keep flip-flopping as I have.
• Intensive therapy entrapment - Yes, I feel like therapy is a trap.  I don't know why.  I started going again.  For two weeks, you know.  And then I stopped.  It's essential for me to be in therapy.  I  have terrible anger issues, bad enough that I could really hurt someone (other than myself) if I don't figure out how to control them soon.  But I'd rather keep it all in, which leads me to the next one.
• Hold in hold 'em - My reality at this point is keeping all my feelings inside.  I've done this before.  I was 18, a cutter, went through a lot of therapy and I was completely numb.  Why am I doing this again?  Is it because I know it so well?  I feel like I know enough about myself I should be able to fix these problems myself.  They keep coming back and they are the same, yet I cannot rid myself of them.

So what shall I do?  There are some things that I am holding back for the sake of my own privacy...just so you all know.  Letting it all out there is not something I'm totally ready to do though there are some who may be aware of all that is me.  Ugh.

My living nightmare

CAUTION - This post contains disturbing information.

The war against myself continues on.  As I battle endlessly, I am weak and tears stain my face.  If one could drown in one's own tears, I would have by now.  Why my life has not ended, I do not know except that the flicker of light that yearns to exist has not gone dark quite yet.  Though it has been doused many a time, that light struggles for air to keep its flame from dying.  I have wasted all my energy in a fight I cannot win.  To you, killer of dreams, thief of life, I muster all my strength to lift my white flag of surrender.  I am done.

I cannot fight an unending fight.  I refuse to continue in a losing battle.  Instead, I shall shrivel in misery.  My tears will not stop, my face cannot dry with eyes so puffy and red.  I need a reason to live even in my eternal misery, for I am not worthy of air to breathe.  I refuse to load myself with drugs that do not affect me.  My accomplishments are few, my life is nothing.  I only hope to dissipate quickly and unremembered so my disgrace of a life will be forgotten by all, but especially by those who endeared me with their pity.  I am ashamed to have lived on this earth for as long as I have and ruined it.  I am ashamed that I have affected so many people and wasted their time.

There is no easy way.  I have written myself a daily pledge:  "I promise to stay in my misery alone, to not hinder others with my incurable disease.  I promise to be as invisible as possible, to keep myself away from the rest of the world so as not to ruin humankind, to rid myself from the world if need be."

...if need be.  I only wish it would come.  In my mind, it has.  In my mind, I am dead.  In my mind, I am no longer needed and overstayed my welcome here on earth.  I am ready to leave this world behind and move on.  There are too many ways, too many decisions for my sick mind.  Too many...or are there?

Insanity: where does your loyalty lie?

Insanity: where does your loyalty lie?

It's been a while

I can't say the last little while has been easy for me. In fact, it's been quite difficult. I got a new therapist whom I admire and get along with very well. Some recent issues have surfaced though that I did not believe could ever be a big deal. I have had anger issues for, well, forever. They've been very manageable for me up until the past few weeks. My job has made it nearly impossible for me to manage my anger. Also, being sexually abused as a child has taken its toll especially hard on me the past little while. I work with juvenile sex offenders and I've started having flashbacks. My solution: quit my job. And I did. So I no longer face the stress of going to a job where I cannot control my anger and have flashbacks. I now face the stress of not having a job and only partially controlling my anger (for the time being). What shall I do? I do not know.