So I posted a week or so ago and things were going well, better than I imagined. Maybe I spoke too soon because I hit a brick wall really fast. This is actually the second time this month it's gone down hill. The last one was only three weeks ago and it wiped me out for a full week. This last was particularly awful. I spent part of last night crying on the floor, wishing I was no long alive, a half hour banging my head against the wall (the one I ran in to), telling my husband I'm not good enough. He wanted to take me to the hospital, but I wouldn't have it! I refuse to go the hospital. I already know what's wrong with me. I don't need a second opinion! Seriously. I am fortunate to have wonderful in-laws close by, which is where I spent a few hours crying.
The weirdest part about all of it is that the thing that set me off was so minute. I hit my arm in the doorway and literally flipped out. I was so angry at myself for being so clumsy which quickly turned in to "I'm not good enough" and "I hate myself" and "I have no reason to live".
My moods change so rapidly. That's one of the worst, well, probably the worst, part of being bipolar. I never seem to know who I'm going to be the next day. Another aspect that really has me worried is that my episodes are more frequent and worse as they come. I feel like I am back to square one every time I have an episode.
So what am I to do? I've switched medications several times in the last year, once to become more pregnancy-friendly, once when I went off them due to lack of insurance and starting all over when I got insurance again. I'm meeting with my doctor again to see the effects of my Wellbutrin. So far, not so good. Anybody have any suggestions?
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