Feeling much better

So by now I imagine most of my readers know that I have spent nearly a week in a behavioral health unit.  It was the best thing I've ever done for myself!  I feel so good!  I have learned so much about my mind and how to react and thinking patterns.  Over the course of days and/or weeks, I will be sharing these things I learned with you in a hope that you will benefit from my stay at the hospital as much as I did.  Until next time, thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers.

My mind hungers

My mind hungers for answers to questions that lie in the depths of my soul.  I do not know what is wrong.  I do know that there is something that needs to be fixed.  Pinpointing these things has been goal for quite some time, but to no avail.  I am afraid that my failure to pinpoint what is triggering such depression and anxiety is leading to realities I fear far worse.  Let me express those:

• Mental hospital mayhem - For those of you who know me and know me well, this has been a joke of mine for years.  I'm afraid this joke isn't so much a joke anymore.  Not only is being admitted a possibility, it's likely to happen.  But my fears don't end there.  Where will I go?  Am I crazy enough to be admitted?  In the past, I haven't been.  What makes it so different now?  What will they do to make things better once I'm there?  What will happen to me when I leave?  I could go on and on.
• Living a lie - I could continue living on my lie of a life as I have.  But it leaves my family, especially my wonderful husband at such a disadvantage.  I never know when things will get bad again.  I can't keep doing this to him and think he will want to stay with me.  I would rather live alone in a deep, dark hole than keep flip-flopping as I have.
• Intensive therapy entrapment - Yes, I feel like therapy is a trap.  I don't know why.  I started going again.  For two weeks, you know.  And then I stopped.  It's essential for me to be in therapy.  I  have terrible anger issues, bad enough that I could really hurt someone (other than myself) if I don't figure out how to control them soon.  But I'd rather keep it all in, which leads me to the next one.
• Hold in hold 'em - My reality at this point is keeping all my feelings inside.  I've done this before.  I was 18, a cutter, went through a lot of therapy and I was completely numb.  Why am I doing this again?  Is it because I know it so well?  I feel like I know enough about myself I should be able to fix these problems myself.  They keep coming back and they are the same, yet I cannot rid myself of them.

So what shall I do?  There are some things that I am holding back for the sake of my own privacy...just so you all know.  Letting it all out there is not something I'm totally ready to do though there are some who may be aware of all that is me.  Ugh.

My living nightmare

CAUTION - This post contains disturbing information.

The war against myself continues on.  As I battle endlessly, I am weak and tears stain my face.  If one could drown in one's own tears, I would have by now.  Why my life has not ended, I do not know except that the flicker of light that yearns to exist has not gone dark quite yet.  Though it has been doused many a time, that light struggles for air to keep its flame from dying.  I have wasted all my energy in a fight I cannot win.  To you, killer of dreams, thief of life, I muster all my strength to lift my white flag of surrender.  I am done.

I cannot fight an unending fight.  I refuse to continue in a losing battle.  Instead, I shall shrivel in misery.  My tears will not stop, my face cannot dry with eyes so puffy and red.  I need a reason to live even in my eternal misery, for I am not worthy of air to breathe.  I refuse to load myself with drugs that do not affect me.  My accomplishments are few, my life is nothing.  I only hope to dissipate quickly and unremembered so my disgrace of a life will be forgotten by all, but especially by those who endeared me with their pity.  I am ashamed to have lived on this earth for as long as I have and ruined it.  I am ashamed that I have affected so many people and wasted their time.

There is no easy way.  I have written myself a daily pledge:  "I promise to stay in my misery alone, to not hinder others with my incurable disease.  I promise to be as invisible as possible, to keep myself away from the rest of the world so as not to ruin humankind, to rid myself from the world if need be."

...if need be.  I only wish it would come.  In my mind, it has.  In my mind, I am dead.  In my mind, I am no longer needed and overstayed my welcome here on earth.  I am ready to leave this world behind and move on.  There are too many ways, too many decisions for my sick mind.  Too many...or are there?

Insanity: where does your loyalty lie?

Insanity: where does your loyalty lie?

It's been a while

I can't say the last little while has been easy for me. In fact, it's been quite difficult. I got a new therapist whom I admire and get along with very well. Some recent issues have surfaced though that I did not believe could ever be a big deal. I have had anger issues for, well, forever. They've been very manageable for me up until the past few weeks. My job has made it nearly impossible for me to manage my anger. Also, being sexually abused as a child has taken its toll especially hard on me the past little while. I work with juvenile sex offenders and I've started having flashbacks. My solution: quit my job. And I did. So I no longer face the stress of going to a job where I cannot control my anger and have flashbacks. I now face the stress of not having a job and only partially controlling my anger (for the time being). What shall I do? I do not know.

Good news on the homefront

Well, yesterday and the day before were quite interesting. Today, I came to the realization that the things I post could be scary to some people. This is not my intention at all, rather, my intention is to make aware of things that go on in my head and some of my coping skills. This is also a way for my to cope with things that are happening in my life. So I apologize to anyone who who has been scared or worried as I did not mean for this to happen. I am simply writing as a release and to let the world know that this stuff is real and it happens.
I have some good news. Things seem to be getting better. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow morning and I have a strong feeling that my medications will be altered or changed altogether. This is nerve-racking for me, but I think it will be a very good thing for me to pursue. Other good news: my mother is coming to stay with me this week. Her, my in-laws and myself cumilatively will be setting up a personal safety plan so I have somewhere to go to be safe when I start feeling anxious or majorly depressed to the point I no longer have a desire to live.
So things are looking better for me. I am hoping having a plan in place will help prevent me from getting out of control.

Hit a wall at 120 MPH

So I posted a week or so ago and things were going well, better than I imagined. Maybe I spoke too soon because I hit a brick wall really fast. This is actually the second time this month it's gone down hill. The last one was only three weeks ago and it wiped me out for a full week. This last was particularly awful. I spent part of last night crying on the floor, wishing I was no long alive, a half hour banging my head against the wall (the one I ran in to), telling my husband I'm not good enough. He wanted to take me to the hospital, but I wouldn't have it! I refuse to go the hospital. I already know what's wrong with me. I don't need a second opinion! Seriously. I am fortunate to have wonderful in-laws close by, which is where I spent a few hours crying.



The weirdest part about all of it is that the thing that set me off was so minute. I hit my arm in the doorway and literally flipped out. I was so angry at myself for being so clumsy which quickly turned in to "I'm not good enough" and "I hate myself" and "I have no reason to live".



My moods change so rapidly. That's one of the worst, well, probably the worst, part of being bipolar. I never seem to know who I'm going to be the next day. Another aspect that really has me worried is that my episodes are more frequent and worse as they come. I feel like I am back to square one every time I have an episode.



So what am I to do? I've switched medications several times in the last year, once to become more pregnancy-friendly, once when I went off them due to lack of insurance and starting all over when I got insurance again. I'm meeting with my doctor again to see the effects of my Wellbutrin. So far, not so good. Anybody have any suggestions?

Long time, no blog

So, it's been an extremely long time since I've blogged here. Things have been CRAZY! I went through a depression/suicidal slump. It knocked me out for a week. Luckily, I was able to visit my parents and get back on track. I started a new medication. The effects are wonderful! I feel so good. This med stabilizes my moods and it's working very well. I have been feeling great for two weeks and counting. Some tips for the week to make it great:

• Sing out loud and enjoy the wonders of music
• Take a walk and get some fresh air in your lungs
• Take a bike ride to release all your energy
• Take a nap to rejuvenate yourself
• Make time for your favorite TV show (sounds cheesy, but it works...for me anyway)
• Plant flowers or buy some house plants
• Try a new game

Have a great week!

Feeling better, making changes

Now that I am full-blown on my meds and they're working, my life is much better. I'm sleeping better and doing more. I'm even really making an effort to lose weight. I feel energized and alive - FINALLY! Here are a few things that keep me going:

• Taking a walk and getting a breath of fresh air
• Taking a short nap (20-30 minutes)
• Exercise of any kind (I like my punching bag and riding my bike)
• Listening to music (This really keeps me going)

Life is looking up

Well, I'm happy to say I got a job! And it's even a job I really want! I'm so excited about this new adventure! I'll be working with adolescents as a mental health worker while I pursue my Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology. I can't wait to start! Things are getting better gradually. My meds are finally beginning to regulate themselves and I'm getting more productive and happier daily. A few things I did to help to me get through my rough times this past month:

• Read a book - I just finished Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. I love having my brain stimulated and it's a great book! Just in time for the summer blockbuster too!
  
• Write - I am authoring a book of my own and have been able to spend a lot of time working on it while not having a job.
• Play games - I recently bought the game Monopoly Deal, it's the new card game. And it's so much fun! And so much more productive than watching TV and the like.
• Cleaned the house - It took my mind off other things, besides, now my house is sparkly!
• Rode my bike - I got a new bike for the warm summer days ahead! I love riding through downtown and enjoying the wind through my hair and fresh air in my lungs.

So, those are my suggestions for a feel-better you! They worked for me.

Good ol' days

So things have been going pretty well lately. Now that I'm back on my meds at the right dosages, life is playing out much smoother. Since I'm feeling so well, I've been able to enjoy the beautiful sunny days of Spring! Oh how I love them! I've starting walking roughly a mile a day with my doggie, Sebastian, and it's making all the difference! There's nothing like fresh air in your lungs and a little exercise to make you feel like you can conquer the world! Here's my tip of the week: take a walk and breath the fresh air! You'll be glad you did!

Some good days...

Well, my good days are starting to overtake my bad days! What a relief! After being off meds for nearly three months, I'm happy to say that I'm back on drugs and I'm doing much better! It seems like I've been in a dark hole for so long. It's such a beautiful day! The sun is shining bright and I feel great! I'm excited for Spring to be here! Thanks, everybody for sticking with me!

Argh! Why this never-ending depression?

So I can't get rid of this stupid depressive episode I've had lately. Between looking for a job (enough to put someone in a depression in itself) and being home alone (sometimes my doggie just doesn't cut it for me), I'm feeling down. My poor husband has to deal with me this way. He's too good to me. Anyway, my lack of motivation isn't helping me any. Any ideas?? Let me know.

Hmmm, drugs are too expensive...

I'm sick of having to pay so much for my stupid pills! Ugh! After I quit my job, I longer have health insurance and there are some medications that just don't have generics. The nerve of these companies! Ha! I'm already crazy! Like I need anything more to help going down that road! Why so expensive?? I just don't get it! Even the Canadian pharmacies are expensive for my medication. Ooh, it makes me livid!

Bipolar disorder is eating me alive!

I've been feeling extra bipolar this week. I know, its only halfway through and I'm ready for it to be done. Its not like I have a job or anything to look forward to, just boring ol' me. So I've been down in the dumps for a couple of days. I've been extremely tired and moody - more than usual and I'm sick of it! My poor husband and my poor little dog just don't know what to do and neither do I! Oh me. Oh my. What am I to do?

Top 10 best bipolar blogs

I just found this website that has the top 10 best bipolar blogs. Check it out at http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2007/09/12/top-ten-bipolar-blogs/

Anger Management

I started a new anger management course a couple of weeks ago. It’s fairly inexpensive, which is good for today’s economy. It’s called “Everlast.” Now, if you’re thinking, “Hmmm. That sounds like a sports brand...” you’re right! I normally don’t endorse things, but since this works for me...well, here goes. Everlast is my new anger management. $30 is all you have to pay for this fail-proof course, you can keep it in your home and there are no recurring fees! Wonderful, isn’t it? So, go ahead, buy a punching bag!
It’s only $30 for a blow-up bag, easy to set up and go go go! You may not be Mike Tyson, but it’s a good place to start. Another benefit of my new amazing system is that you’re exercising too! That’s right! 15 minutes, beading sweat, sore arms, it’s worked wonders for me. Sometimes, I even draw angry faces on a piece of paper and tape it to the bag. Once the paper is completely mutilated, I’m done.

Sometimes I write things down that are making me angry and tape them to the bag too. This really works! And I’ll tell you why! When exercising, you release endorphins, creating a natural high. When I get done, I usually take a hot or cold shower, depending on my mood. It’s refreshing and relaxing and I’m getting stronger and stronger! Punching bag: $30. Emotional release: priceless.

More coping mechanisms

From previous posts, you can see life has been a struggle recently. So I have a few coping skills I’d like to pass along. Since most of my time is consumed by TV and computers, I have made it constructive (if possible). I started watching Maury Povich and a lot of court shows. It’s a bit of reversed psychology, I guess. My issues seem to slip away when compared to the reality I watch on TV. At least you’re not being sued for child support on the five illegitimate children you ex has. And you’re not going back to Maury for the ninth time trying to the father of your child, right? Right!
Another way I’ve found to deal is to play computer games. Lame, I know. But I focus more on winning the game than I do on my latest mood swing. It helps. There’s nothing like a good game of Vegas-style three-card Solitaire to keep my mind off myself. And if you want competition, may I suggest Yahoo! Literati? It’s like Scrabble. You’re so busy thinking of new and innovative words to pummel your opponent you don’t have time to worry about your multiple personalities fighting with each other.
And last, but not least, I name EVERYTHING. My laptop is tenderly known as Tode. Cute, I know! And the couch is Dirty Harry (bought second-hand, who knows what’s been on that thing?). It may sound crazy, but let me explain. When inanimate objects receive a name, to me, they receive an identity and personality. That way, I always have someone – or something – to talk to. Like, Gassy, the old stove in the kitchen, and Bertha the bed (nothing like a little pillow talk), or Stinky the trash can. Although they don’t provide the most intelligent conversations, at least I always have someone to listen to my incessant, depressive mumbling.
So now you know. There are ways to deal. They may be a little unorthodox, but they work!

Feeling ugh...

There are a few things that have been playing on my mind lately. For those of you who have major depression and/or bipolar disorder, this might ring a bell. As of late, I’ve had a difficult time forcing myself out of bed in the morning. Normally, I would contribute that to my insomnia; however, it’s different this time. You know that sinking feeling that can’t be shaken and you’re more scared of living than dying? Well, I feel like I’m there. I’m afraid to look in the mirror to see the disappointment I’ve created and the failure that is me.
On the other hand, in the past month, I have made great strides. I started a new hobby which has flourished into several successful and growing ventures. With that, I’ve found a new love for life and a zest I was missing. I have been de-stressing my life one piece at a time and I am learning more about myself daily.
As you can see, there are a few classic characteristics of bipolar disorder that I’ve been fighting: depression, difficulty sleeping and needing to try new things. My biggest challenge at this point is taking my new adventures and keeping up with them. Yet another trait of bipolar disorder: lofty ideas begun and never finished. Not only that, my mood has been fluctuating rapidly. Happy one minute and in the depths of despair the next minute is not a healthy way to live.

How to tell if you're bipolar

I compiled a short list of ways to tell if you're bipolar. If you have anymore, please let me know!

1. The voices in your head are actually calming you down instead of riling you up.
2. You really do have more issues than Time magazine.
3. When people say, “You’re crazy,” you know they really mean it.
4. When you talk to yourself, it actually makes sense.
5. You take more medication for bipolar disorder than your 90-year-old grandma takes for blood pressure, incontinence, arthritis and her heart...including all her vitamins.
6. Your therapist is telling you that the voices in your head are starting to make more sense than you are.
7. You spend more money monthly on medication and therapy than on your mortgage.
8. Your therapist gets confused because he doesn’t know which voice he’s talking to anymore.
9. You finally realize that “Manic” and “Depressive” are not popular ‘80s hair bands.
10. You realize that your other voices have really good advice.
11. You have more episodes than the TV show The Simpson’s.

Pet Therapy

I don't know how many of you have pets, but I have a 3-year-old Dachshund named Sebastian. I would go crazy without him. Seriously! He is so funny and he keeps me company during the day. He has the funniest personality. He chases and catches his tail going both directions! He thinks he has to eat everything I do. He waits by my side while I cook so he can eat anything I drop on the floor. He loves to cuddle up under the covers with me when I take a nap or when my husband and I go to bed. He is a very important part of my life.
There's something to having another living being with you. If you're not fond of animals, maybe consider a plant or anything that will get your mind away from itself. If you have something or someone to take care of, you'll be less worried about yourself. Try it out!

CAUTION: DISTURBING INFORMATION - Bleeding away the pain: a look into self-injury

I don't know if any of you follow the TV show "Medium" on NBC. I'm not a particular fan, but I caught a glimpse of the beginning of last night's show. I'd like to discuss a little bit of what I saw. For those of you who follow the show, it might make more sense. In the first five minutes (which is all I saw), the topic of compulsions was discussed briefly. In the clip, a young girl is shown cutting herself. A small cut first and then excessive cutting later in the clip.

I'd like to discuss this for a bit. I try not to be too serious, but this needs attention. During my late high school and early college years, I too had compulsions to self-injure. It's often misconstrued as a way to get attention which is sometimes the case. However, for me and many others it is an entirely different story. I learned that cutting was easier than talking someone. It was like watching all of my problems bleed away so I didn't have to worry about them anymore. It gave me a sense of control that was missing in other aspects of my life. It was a way for me to deal and a very unhealthy way at that.

This is a serious addiction and should not be taken lightly EVER. From a medical standpoint, having an addiction to self-injuring makes sense. When the body experiences pain, the brain is triggered to send endorphins immediately to dull the pain. Endorphins create a natural high and one can become addicted to getting those endorphins.

Please, if you or someone you know is a self-injurer, get help. You may not think you need it and you probably don't want it, but it's the best thing you can do. There is a way out and better, healthier ways to deal with your life.

'Nuff with the serious stuff

Alright, I think I've done my share of serious posts. The main point of this blog is to help people cope with depression through satire and sarcasm. Well, shoot. Let's give it a try. One way, and probably the most effective I've found, to deal is with laughter. So here is one of my favorite commercials from a few years ago. Citibank had several and this one of the best! Shoot!

Taking care of yourself

Taking care of yourself is one of the most important things in staying healthy and happy. Here are a few tips (these came from my therapist and psych).

1. Maintain a schedule. Keeping a routine is important in staying sane - for me anyway. Be sure to wake up and go to bed at the same time ALWAYS...even on the weekends. If possible, set up your work schedule so you arrive, leave and take lunch and breaks at the same time every day.

2. Eat regularly. This is vital. Be sure to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner preferably at the same time daily. If you need snacks in between meals, go for it!
3. Eat good, healthy foods. Eating sugary foods is a rollercoaster ride. It's a temporary high with a horrible crash at the end. Try to stick to the food pyramid. And STAY AWAY from refined sugar! It may sound basic, but it really works! If you limit your sugar intake, you will start to feel better and lose weight too! I guarantee it! Whenever you need a sugar fix, substitute an apple or banana or something with natural sugar.

4. Take naps. YES! Everybody needs naps. I'm not talking about a two-plus hour nap or anything like that. But a 10-30 minute nap will rejuvenate your body to get you through the rest of the day. You could do this on a work break or while your child is taking a nap.

5. Take a walk. Be sure to get your exercise in. Whether it's a gym workout or a 20-30 minute walk, exercise is a MUST! Exercising will help you sleep better at night, give you more energy and help you feel better all the way around. Exercising releases endorphins which create a natural high.
6. Follow your doctor's orders/advice. It may sound cheesy, but if you're going to pay for and visit a doctor or health professional, you might as well take their advice. Other than yourself, they know the most about you, your body and how it works. If you don't agree with what they have to say, get a second opinion. They know what they're doing...hopefully.
My therapist's advice: Take care of yourself like you would take care of a child. It works!

Feeling a little down

Today, I'm feeling down. The snow has stopped and left a pretty white blanket on the ground. I just can't seem to get my spirits up. So here it goes...

The snow is fresh and creates a new start
To a world once dreary and mostly dark
The world is cold just like my heart
I am hurting and I am torn apart
Why is my heart frozen and why won't it stop?
I can't get my emotions to flop.

Depression

Depression is the second part of manic-depressive - or bipolar - disorder. I want to address this mostly because I am more on the depressive side than on the manic side. It's not easy dealing with depression, especially mood swings that flucuate daily. I have rapid-cycling type 2 bipolar disorder and my moods go up and down about as often as the sun. So how do you deal? And without popping pills. I have a few ways I'd like to share.
1. Write. I write my feelings down in rhyme. For some reason, rhymes make my depression easier to swallow. I have songs and poems that will probably never be read or sung to anyone and that's okay. It's a way for me to see what I'm feeling and it helps me understand myself better.
2. Sleep. It's not the best way to deal, but it works for me. I sleep off my troubles like drunks sleep off hangovers. When I wake up, I usually feel better.
3. Talk. I know talk therapy or psychotherapy is not the easiest, but I think it's one of the most effective ways to understand oneself. I get to take a deeper look into myself and when I hear some of the irrational things I say, and some of the rational things I say. It helps me realize where I can change things.
These are only a few ways to deal with depression. Drugs are not always the answer.

A misunderstanding about bipolar disorder

Bipolar disorder is often misunderstood. It seems people are always hearing negative things about people affected by bipolar disorder. I was so afraid to be bipolar so much that I let it define who I was for some time. I wasn't Danette, I was bipolar. Well, there are some positive things that a lot people don't hear about. Number 1: I learned how to take care of myself. Number 2: I learned it's okay to ask for help. Number 3: People affected with bipolar disorder can be happy! Number 4: I realized that bipolar disorder is an illness and NOT a definition.

Symptoms of bipolar disorder

There are several symptoms associated with bipolar disorder. These symptoms are categorized by mania and depression. Mania symptoms might include:
*Feeling like you can do anything, even something unsafe or illegal
*Needing very little sleep, yet never feeling tired
*Dressing flamboyantly
*Spending money extravagantly
*Living recklessly
*Having increased sexual desires, perhaps even indulging in risky sexual behaviors
*Experiencing hallucinations or delusions *Feeling filled with energy
Depression symptoms may include:
*Refusing to get out of bed for days on end
*Sleeping much more than usual
*Being tired all the time but unable to sleep
*Having bouts of uncontrollable crying
*Becoming entirely uninterested in things you once enjoyed
*Paying no attention to daily responsibilities
*Feeling hopeless, helpless or worthless for a sustained period of time
*Becoming unable to make simple decisions
*Wanting to die

Opposites Attract

As the saying goes, opposites attract, and with bipolar disorder this saying is all too true. Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive disorder, can be devastating. Bipolar disorder consists of an individual alternating between extreme highs and extreme lows and anything in between. It affects both emotional and physical behavior.