My mind hungers

My mind hungers for answers to questions that lie in the depths of my soul.  I do not know what is wrong.  I do know that there is something that needs to be fixed.  Pinpointing these things has been goal for quite some time, but to no avail.  I am afraid that my failure to pinpoint what is triggering such depression and anxiety is leading to realities I fear far worse.  Let me express those:

• Mental hospital mayhem - For those of you who know me and know me well, this has been a joke of mine for years.  I'm afraid this joke isn't so much a joke anymore.  Not only is being admitted a possibility, it's likely to happen.  But my fears don't end there.  Where will I go?  Am I crazy enough to be admitted?  In the past, I haven't been.  What makes it so different now?  What will they do to make things better once I'm there?  What will happen to me when I leave?  I could go on and on.
• Living a lie - I could continue living on my lie of a life as I have.  But it leaves my family, especially my wonderful husband at such a disadvantage.  I never know when things will get bad again.  I can't keep doing this to him and think he will want to stay with me.  I would rather live alone in a deep, dark hole than keep flip-flopping as I have.
• Intensive therapy entrapment - Yes, I feel like therapy is a trap.  I don't know why.  I started going again.  For two weeks, you know.  And then I stopped.  It's essential for me to be in therapy.  I  have terrible anger issues, bad enough that I could really hurt someone (other than myself) if I don't figure out how to control them soon.  But I'd rather keep it all in, which leads me to the next one.
• Hold in hold 'em - My reality at this point is keeping all my feelings inside.  I've done this before.  I was 18, a cutter, went through a lot of therapy and I was completely numb.  Why am I doing this again?  Is it because I know it so well?  I feel like I know enough about myself I should be able to fix these problems myself.  They keep coming back and they are the same, yet I cannot rid myself of them.

So what shall I do?  There are some things that I am holding back for the sake of my own privacy...just so you all know.  Letting it all out there is not something I'm totally ready to do though there are some who may be aware of all that is me.  Ugh.