CAUTION - This post contains disturbing information.
The war against myself continues on. As I battle endlessly, I am weak and tears stain my face. If one could drown in one's own tears, I would have by now. Why my life has not ended, I do not know except that the flicker of light that yearns to exist has not gone dark quite yet. Though it has been doused many a time, that light struggles for air to keep its flame from dying. I have wasted all my energy in a fight I cannot win. To you, killer of dreams, thief of life, I muster all my strength to lift my white flag of surrender. I am done.
I cannot fight an unending fight. I refuse to continue in a losing battle. Instead, I shall shrivel in misery. My tears will not stop, my face cannot dry with eyes so puffy and red. I need a reason to live even in my eternal misery, for I am not worthy of air to breathe. I refuse to load myself with drugs that do not affect me. My accomplishments are few, my life is nothing. I only hope to dissipate quickly and unremembered so my disgrace of a life will be forgotten by all, but especially by those who endeared me with their pity. I am ashamed to have lived on this earth for as long as I have and ruined it. I am ashamed that I have affected so many people and wasted their time.
There is no easy way. I have written myself a daily pledge: "I promise to stay in my misery alone, to not hinder others with my incurable disease. I promise to be as invisible as possible, to keep myself away from the rest of the world so as not to ruin humankind, to rid myself from the world if need be."
...if need be. I only wish it would come. In my mind, it has. In my mind, I am dead. In my mind, I am no longer needed and overstayed my welcome here on earth. I am ready to leave this world behind and move on. There are too many ways, too many decisions for my sick mind. Too many...or are there?
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